That's Reality

So what do I do? Do I pretend my heart's not breaking? Will that make me a better person? To say to myself suck it up and stop being a thin-skinned drama queen, to stop falling in love with far-fetched fantasies. Why do we react the way we do and who is right and who is wrong when ultimately it all seems to come down to being honest with yourself and deciding whether or not to pretend. I try to be as honest and open-hearted as I can, but that leaves me vulnerable. I try to practice non-attachment, but my heart wants so badly to love. So many people have said how lucky I am to have been able to be here in the DR, and to have done so much traveling. Their eyes sparkle at the thought of being free from commitment and the burden of family life. I am grateful for all the traveling I've done, I've had adventures and opportunities and sights that have amazed and astounded me. I've met incredible people; some who have changed my life forever. But the thing that many people fail to realize is that my traveling doesn't necessarily come from some sort of wanderlust, but rather from a desperate urge to fill the hole in my life left by an absence of love. Don't get me wrong, my life is filled with people who love me, I'm greatly blessed by that. But that love that comes from true commitment, from a spouse, from a child, hell, from a dog - that love has been nigh absent my whole life.

I'm old enough now that I've known a number of family and friends that have paired off and bred, and so many of them try to tell me how lucky I am that I have an uncomplicated life. Shit, a few of them have even tried to make me guilty about it. Well you know what? I feel like a teen pregnancy in reverse. I didn't choose this life, it was chosen for me. And it feels like every step I take towards any sort of domesticated life blows up in my face. Apparently life doesn't want me to have much responsibility. I can't even manage to get adopting a dog right. I apparently make bad choices, but I make those choices because I'm following my heart. What kind of message does that send? It's pretty goddamn hard to keep believing in yourself when so many dreams turn to smoke and ash.

I have a great life, I know I do. I know that hurdles and hardship make it possible to embrace the goodness and blessing that I do have. And yet often I feel like the only things I truly desire in this life are precisely the things that are denied to me. And, yes, thankyouverymuch, Buddhists, I know exactly what you have to say in the matter. Still, it takes it's toll, and I can't pretend it doesn't hurt like hell.

Reckless Clive will have to remain a dream. My heart is breaking, but at least I'm letting it.