So here I am, yet again, packing up all my belongings. I
am both proud and slightly mortified that everything I own fits into some boxes
in my dad’s attic. It’s a good feeling to know that I am not tied down by stuff
and stuff and more stuff, but at the same time there is an element to our
society that teaches up to pride ourselves on material possessions. I’d be a
big fatty liar if I didn’t admit that sometimes – yes, sometimes even I covet
the possessions of others (which amendment am I breaking there?), especially
when I consider that I’m 34 and *thought* I’d have “more” to show for myself at
this point. Not that I question my lifestyle for a minute – I love what I’m
doing and I appreciate that I’ve been able to live the life I have. I’m happy
not to indulge in the game of accumulation. I like not being weighed down by my
stuff and I like that my things don’t define me. But every once in a while I
daydream about “The American Dream” and what it would be like if I actually put
stock in that. But then I remember that I’m Al Pal and if I ever were to get
tied down by the american dream I’d probably spend my life gazing longingly out
the window ruing the day I gave up my freedom. I seem to have gotten myself
into this sticky situation where my feminine instincts are in all-out war with
my wanderlust. I do have a typical feminine drive compelling me to make a nest
and breed, but I struggle with what life would be like if I let that happen –
Ha! “let that happen” – as if I had any control over it. Part of me is actually
convinced that the only reason I DO acquiesce to my wanderlust so much is that
I CAN’T seem to find anything stable in the relationship department. Soooooo, a
family is a bit out of the question until I sort all that out. Maybe all I need
is a sperm donor and a papoose. Or a kindred spirit with a boat, a passport and
a lot of disposable income. Hope springs eternal. In the meantime, I’m going to
Indonesia to teach English.
Today I’m honestly a little low. Everyone assumes I am
over the moon with excitement, and yeah, I suppose I can feel something of that
deep inside, but it’s been overshadowed the past few days with thoughts of
leaving my family and my comfort zone. At the end of the day, I know that one
of the big reasons that I travel IS to challenge my comfort zone, and what
makes you appreciate your family more than being away from them! I guess I just
realize that this will be THE HARDEST thing I’ve ever done, and throughout most
of it I’ll be away from all of the people who form my support circle. Sure,
thanks to this internet thing I can be closer to them than if I’d done this
even 10 years ago, but there’s something to be said for hugs from the ones you
love. Especially after a hard day. But if my life has taught me one thing it’s
how to be on my own (I’m not trying to be morbid here – just realistic! I’m grateful
for this essential life skill!) so I tell myself – Buck up, Allison! Breathe,
relax, and remember that I have all of you out there who care about me and
would probably leap at the chance to give me a real hug! I hope that my upcoming adventures
will serve to thrill and amaze (or at the very least amuse).
In the meantime, to combat my blue mood today, I did what
anybody would do on the eve of their impending departure away from the United
States for a year. I made a pecan pie.
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