So tomorrow I head to the embassy to get my diplomatic visa and my official badge to get me into the embassy. My life is so cool. Though, I must give props where props is due.
My travels to Asia - because my dad wanted a traveling companion and had plenty of frequent flyer miles
My SIP (Slightly Important Person) status in the DR - clutching on to my sister's coattails.
I'm fully aware that a lot of the amazing stuff in my life can actually mostly be contributed to the fact that I have an amazing family. And one that fully supports my Tra-la-la lifestyle. I know that they all hope that someday soon I'll find my true calling and actually have somewhat of a safety net in place for the rest of my life, but they also realize that I'm not going to resign myself to a job or lifestyle that I hate just so that I can have silly things like money and security.
I am one of the luckiest people in the world.
And tomorrow I'll have the diplomatic visa to prove it. (Tonight I have the belly full of Dave Pernal cooking and ginger beer to prove it!)
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Surprise ambush!!!
The wonderfulness of forgetting you took pictures of your rats just before leaving for the DR, only to find them when uploading the photo of your nephew.
I love Chesterfield Googaloop's face in this one (she's at far left)
Who knew a heart could feel such joy and such sadness at the same time!!!
I love Chesterfield Googaloop's face in this one (she's at far left)
Who knew a heart could feel such joy and such sadness at the same time!!!
Monday, June 27, 2011
BOOM!
So I'm up working in my room, and Aidan is downstairs watching The Muppet Show when a big storm breaks out. After it has thundered a few times I began to wonder if he was ok or if maybe he was getting scared. Sure enough, a minute or two later I hear him at my door. I'm ready to comfort him, when he walks in all smiles and big-eyed saying, "that was some pretty big thunder!" I asked him if he was scared at all and he said, "no, I LOVE thunder!"
As Santo Domingo is a thunder-storm prone city, I'd say this was a big blessing. Now if only the dogs could keep their shit together during the thunderstorms...
................................................Fearless.................................................
As Santo Domingo is a thunder-storm prone city, I'd say this was a big blessing. Now if only the dogs could keep their shit together during the thunderstorms...
................................................Fearless.................................................
Saturday, June 25, 2011
The Sometimes Unfairness of an Otherwise Bountiful Life
There’s a man that I hate more than anything else in this world.
Most of the time, this blog is two things – half-assed and light. I rarely delve into the deep shit, but sometimes it’s worth wile to go a little crazy, just to keep the readers interested. Today is one of those days.
Over a year ago my heart was broken. And I’m not talking boo-hoo, woe is me namby-pamby bullshit, this was the proverbial knife in the stomach (and one in the back for good measure) balls-out, crying, screaming, raging, not eating, hole blown so big into me that it’s taken me over a year to deal with. And I still haven’t dealt with it all properly (clearly) and the “dealing with it” often took the worst forms of “dealing” you can imagine (I’m looking at you self-inflicted damage and alcoholism). I have never had to deal with so much anger before, and took every ounce of strength I had not to lose myself.
Imagine meeting someone who is everything you every wanted, faults and all. Turns you on mentally, physically, and you can talk to them like they’ve been your friend all your life. I guess for some people this happens every once in a while. For me it happened once. Once. So, understandably, I gave all of myself. And as hindsight is 50/50, I gave it all far, far too soon. Ten months after the outset it was over, him telling me that he needed to be on his own. That I understood. What I didn’t understand was him dating someone else less than a month later. He had left his girlfriend of 14 years for me, telling me that in all that time, I was the one and only one who ever made him think about straying. It made me feel so special, so prized. I felt remorse for breaking up his relationship, but I also felt that I was the catalyst that could finally break them apart after years of them staying together just because they didn’t want to be alone. I knew what I was doing was moralistically questionable, but I was following my heart – isn’t that what all that inspirational shit tells you to do? And I thought it was major-time love. Fucking epic love. And then his guilt destroyed him.
Or at least, that’s what I want to believe. Because how could he change his mind so quickly? How could he, in a feat worthy or locusts, move from his girlfriend of 14 years, right to me, and then right on to the next girl? Especially when “the next” girl was so similar to me. The thing is – how can I not think of her as me, but better? They are still together, over a year now, so all the people who told me that he broke up with me because he wasn’t in the mental state to be able to handle another relationship were mistaken. Somehow she got right everything that I got wrong. I know that self-indulgent, but how am I to think any other way? This douchebag gets love, affection and happiness after completely letting me down, and I get independence and a couple of scars from the razor blades.
Everyone tells me to get over it. Great. Yes, please. Please. I want to with every fiber of my being. And yet, the hurt and the bitterness are still there. Still stuck in my soul like a motherfucker. He’s the only man who’s ever made me feel they way I did. I hate that I don’t seem to be attracted to the vast majority of people out there. I'm just not. If I could change it, I would in a heartbeat.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful for my life and the many, MANY amazing and wonderful aspects of it, it’s just this one rotten bit of shrapnel lodged deep within my psyche; the sometimes unfairness of an otherwise bountiful life. I just saw pictures of them and they look so happy. I hate their happiness. I hate what they have. I hate feeling that it should have been me. And I especially hate that I feel this way when I know damn well how blessed my life is. All this while they’ve been falling in love, and I’ve spent it wallowing in self-loathing. I have the wherewithal to understand that life isn’t fair, but at the same time I acknowledge the darkness in my heart, where all my selfishness, bitterness and anger lies.
Not to mention the hate. The deep, unrelenting, bottomless hate. But see, the biggest reason that I hate him is that I still miss him. And even thought I scream at myself – "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? You are so better off" – I miss being with someone I felt so much for. Was is all an illusion? Shit, who knows. Do I REALLY hate him? No, not really.
But I do hope his hemorrhoids flare up at every possible opportunity.
Most of the time, this blog is two things – half-assed and light. I rarely delve into the deep shit, but sometimes it’s worth wile to go a little crazy, just to keep the readers interested. Today is one of those days.
Over a year ago my heart was broken. And I’m not talking boo-hoo, woe is me namby-pamby bullshit, this was the proverbial knife in the stomach (and one in the back for good measure) balls-out, crying, screaming, raging, not eating, hole blown so big into me that it’s taken me over a year to deal with. And I still haven’t dealt with it all properly (clearly) and the “dealing with it” often took the worst forms of “dealing” you can imagine (I’m looking at you self-inflicted damage and alcoholism). I have never had to deal with so much anger before, and took every ounce of strength I had not to lose myself.
Imagine meeting someone who is everything you every wanted, faults and all. Turns you on mentally, physically, and you can talk to them like they’ve been your friend all your life. I guess for some people this happens every once in a while. For me it happened once. Once. So, understandably, I gave all of myself. And as hindsight is 50/50, I gave it all far, far too soon. Ten months after the outset it was over, him telling me that he needed to be on his own. That I understood. What I didn’t understand was him dating someone else less than a month later. He had left his girlfriend of 14 years for me, telling me that in all that time, I was the one and only one who ever made him think about straying. It made me feel so special, so prized. I felt remorse for breaking up his relationship, but I also felt that I was the catalyst that could finally break them apart after years of them staying together just because they didn’t want to be alone. I knew what I was doing was moralistically questionable, but I was following my heart – isn’t that what all that inspirational shit tells you to do? And I thought it was major-time love. Fucking epic love. And then his guilt destroyed him.
Or at least, that’s what I want to believe. Because how could he change his mind so quickly? How could he, in a feat worthy or locusts, move from his girlfriend of 14 years, right to me, and then right on to the next girl? Especially when “the next” girl was so similar to me. The thing is – how can I not think of her as me, but better? They are still together, over a year now, so all the people who told me that he broke up with me because he wasn’t in the mental state to be able to handle another relationship were mistaken. Somehow she got right everything that I got wrong. I know that self-indulgent, but how am I to think any other way? This douchebag gets love, affection and happiness after completely letting me down, and I get independence and a couple of scars from the razor blades.
Everyone tells me to get over it. Great. Yes, please. Please. I want to with every fiber of my being. And yet, the hurt and the bitterness are still there. Still stuck in my soul like a motherfucker. He’s the only man who’s ever made me feel they way I did. I hate that I don’t seem to be attracted to the vast majority of people out there. I'm just not. If I could change it, I would in a heartbeat.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful for my life and the many, MANY amazing and wonderful aspects of it, it’s just this one rotten bit of shrapnel lodged deep within my psyche; the sometimes unfairness of an otherwise bountiful life. I just saw pictures of them and they look so happy. I hate their happiness. I hate what they have. I hate feeling that it should have been me. And I especially hate that I feel this way when I know damn well how blessed my life is. All this while they’ve been falling in love, and I’ve spent it wallowing in self-loathing. I have the wherewithal to understand that life isn’t fair, but at the same time I acknowledge the darkness in my heart, where all my selfishness, bitterness and anger lies.
Not to mention the hate. The deep, unrelenting, bottomless hate. But see, the biggest reason that I hate him is that I still miss him. And even thought I scream at myself – "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? You are so better off" – I miss being with someone I felt so much for. Was is all an illusion? Shit, who knows. Do I REALLY hate him? No, not really.
But I do hope his hemorrhoids flare up at every possible opportunity.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Who Invited Al Pal?
The family all went on a victorious beach trip this morning! As we were all headed to the car, Aidan asked, "who invited Al Pal?" Not as a criticism, more as a genuine question, but it sure was damn funny.
The beach was lovely and the weather was actually fabulous, but the water was shallow and there were lots of rocks and creepy growing things underfoot. Plus the water was choppy, which made it difficult to get a good footing, so you got knocked around a lot. Scrambling to get a foothold resulted in several scrapes and scratches to the soles of my feet. When I was packing, I almost brought my Teva's (water sandals) but eventually thought, "naw, when would I need these?" ...turns out the answer is - my first full day here! Well, it helps to toughen up my feet now that I'm mostly barefoot most of the time. But that feeling of putting your feet down right into a patch of kelp... ich... Adian and I had great fun digging in the sand, and I did get a little sunburned, though it's not as bad as I initially thought. Plus, Dave lost his wedding ring, so on the whole I got off pretty lucky.
I'm having a fantastic time here so far, but just when I begin to really lose myself in vacation mode, I'm snapped back to the reality that I'm here for a long, long time, and that this is my life now. Starting Monday I'm acting as Aidan's summer school, playing and learning with him from about 6:30 in the morning til around noon, then as soon as he starts his real school again, I'll probably need to find me a real job. Plus, in my off time try to learn Spanish. That's a whole lotta NEW for someone who's not a big fan of having to learn stuff. But it's my choice, and this is what I've chosen. I'm just a little worried that the voice in my head telling me I've made a huge mistake will be right. The upcoming year will require me to make a lot of decisions that may come to have an immense effect on the rest of my life. This is both thrilling and terrifying.
But at least there's really good food here. (Compliments of Dave Pernal, NOT the cuisine of Santo Domingo!)
The beach was lovely and the weather was actually fabulous, but the water was shallow and there were lots of rocks and creepy growing things underfoot. Plus the water was choppy, which made it difficult to get a good footing, so you got knocked around a lot. Scrambling to get a foothold resulted in several scrapes and scratches to the soles of my feet. When I was packing, I almost brought my Teva's (water sandals) but eventually thought, "naw, when would I need these?" ...turns out the answer is - my first full day here! Well, it helps to toughen up my feet now that I'm mostly barefoot most of the time. But that feeling of putting your feet down right into a patch of kelp... ich... Adian and I had great fun digging in the sand, and I did get a little sunburned, though it's not as bad as I initially thought. Plus, Dave lost his wedding ring, so on the whole I got off pretty lucky.
I'm having a fantastic time here so far, but just when I begin to really lose myself in vacation mode, I'm snapped back to the reality that I'm here for a long, long time, and that this is my life now. Starting Monday I'm acting as Aidan's summer school, playing and learning with him from about 6:30 in the morning til around noon, then as soon as he starts his real school again, I'll probably need to find me a real job. Plus, in my off time try to learn Spanish. That's a whole lotta NEW for someone who's not a big fan of having to learn stuff. But it's my choice, and this is what I've chosen. I'm just a little worried that the voice in my head telling me I've made a huge mistake will be right. The upcoming year will require me to make a lot of decisions that may come to have an immense effect on the rest of my life. This is both thrilling and terrifying.
But at least there's really good food here. (Compliments of Dave Pernal, NOT the cuisine of Santo Domingo!)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Yeah I got baggage! So what?!
SeaTac Airport. About an hour before departure. I spent most of the day cleaning and packing, went out for a fantastic lunch with Chelsea, where she convinced me that it was better to pack drunk so that I could easily leave things behind. Well whadda ya know, she was right! It also got easier when it became utterly clear that there wasn't enough room for a snail to take a shit in the two bags I have. They are both packed to the brink. I wasn't worried though about weight, as homeslice Deltaman over the phone told me the weight limit was 70 pounds. Easy to stay under that, no? Well.......
Turns out it's 52 pounds. $50 overweight bag fee. Swell. If only I didn't have the 10 pounds of bread flour I'm bringing to Dave. Cept I can't even blame it on that, cuz the flour was in the other bag. Que Sera. At least they didn't confiscate my peanut butter at security. They did give it a long hard look though.
So it's off to JFK for the night. I arrive there at 6am and then take off for Santo Domingo at 10am. Arrive in SD around 2pm tomorrow.
Happy Summer!
Turns out it's 52 pounds. $50 overweight bag fee. Swell. If only I didn't have the 10 pounds of bread flour I'm bringing to Dave. Cept I can't even blame it on that, cuz the flour was in the other bag. Que Sera. At least they didn't confiscate my peanut butter at security. They did give it a long hard look though.
So it's off to JFK for the night. I arrive there at 6am and then take off for Santo Domingo at 10am. Arrive in SD around 2pm tomorrow.
Happy Summer!
Wild Card
So here it is. The eve of my departure, and yep, can't sleep a wink. So many things are going through my head. While I am thinking of the future, most of my thoughts tonight revolve around the past. So many things have happened in the past month, the past week even, to bring up old memories and relive times gone by. An uncanny number of events in fact. The kind of thing that seems to only happen when you're about to completely change your life around. The ghosts of my past have been quite active lately. The good news is that for the most part these are friendly ghosts, and they bring back a lot of good memories. There's a lot of difficult memories there too, reminders of very hard times in my life, but even then it's nice to see how far I've come in dealing with those hardships. It's also a good reminder that no matter how bad I think life gets, there is the light at the end. During a very hard time in my life, my mother once sent me this poem.
Wave of sorrow, do not drown me now
I see the island up ahead somehow
I see the island, and its sands are fair
Wave of sorrow, take me there
It has stayed with me throughout the years, it even helped take me through her death. On the verge now of embarking on a new chapter in my life, I look back and I'm am so proud of myself for what I've been able to endure in my life. And not just endure, but learn from and help me grow. We are all dealt our set of life cards, and I certainly didn't get the ones I was hoping for, but we have to play with what we've been dealt, and I think I've made a good game out of it so far.
Time to see what cards life has in store for me in the next round.
Wave of sorrow, do not drown me now
I see the island up ahead somehow
I see the island, and its sands are fair
Wave of sorrow, take me there
It has stayed with me throughout the years, it even helped take me through her death. On the verge now of embarking on a new chapter in my life, I look back and I'm am so proud of myself for what I've been able to endure in my life. And not just endure, but learn from and help me grow. We are all dealt our set of life cards, and I certainly didn't get the ones I was hoping for, but we have to play with what we've been dealt, and I think I've made a good game out of it so far.
Time to see what cards life has in store for me in the next round.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Cold Feet
Holy crap. What am I getting myself into?
Yes, that's right, panic has officially set in. I know perfectly well that this journey I'm about to take is a great opportunity for me. It's going to be fun and exciting, but it's also going to be boring and difficult and a challenge. I know that it will force me to change and adapt and learn new things about myself. I know that it will allow me a great chance to break out of daily routine and experience life on a whole new level.
But I keep thinking about what I'm leaving behind. There's so much here for me in Seattle, and I'm going to miss it, big time. Every few minutes today I've had to stop and take a breath and remember that impermanence is the rule of life. Nothing lasts forever, and it's time to walk forward into a big change. I've been trying to train my mind into not feeling sadness that I am leaving Seattle, but rather feel grateful and honored to have had such blessings in my life. And when I think of my friends, take a moment to feel the twinge of goodbye, but then focus on the joy of having such amazing people in my life. It's working... relatively well.
Still, I'm scared though. Maybe not scared, just nervous anticipation. Knowing what I'm leaving behind and constantly second-guessing myself. I know that there is no "right thing to do," but sometimes I wonder if I'm just running away from my life here. Am I just bored with where am at, and this is my misguided attempt to bring some excitement into my life? Or am I just running away to this tropical place because somewhere in my mind I equate that with "paradise" and easy-living? Running away from work and obligations because at heart I'm a 10 year-old who doesn't want to do her chores? Honestly I think maybe there's a part of all of those in the mix, however small. Maybe, maybe not. But I think it's good to ask myself these questions and explore my reasons for doing this. Of course it's going to be a complex, multi-faceted answer that I'll never really understand totally, and the last thing I want to do is to fall into an obsession about it, but I do think it's important to examine my reasons honestly.
Speaking of obligations, I'm about to head out for my very last day of work at Ladro! (And, ahem, as for "very last day..." only time will really tell. One of the nice things about going off on this crazy stunt is that I know that as long as Ladro is in business, the chances are high that I can always come back to Seattle and have at least a little bit of employment. Ladro, thank you for being my safety net!)
Yes, that's right, panic has officially set in. I know perfectly well that this journey I'm about to take is a great opportunity for me. It's going to be fun and exciting, but it's also going to be boring and difficult and a challenge. I know that it will force me to change and adapt and learn new things about myself. I know that it will allow me a great chance to break out of daily routine and experience life on a whole new level.
But I keep thinking about what I'm leaving behind. There's so much here for me in Seattle, and I'm going to miss it, big time. Every few minutes today I've had to stop and take a breath and remember that impermanence is the rule of life. Nothing lasts forever, and it's time to walk forward into a big change. I've been trying to train my mind into not feeling sadness that I am leaving Seattle, but rather feel grateful and honored to have had such blessings in my life. And when I think of my friends, take a moment to feel the twinge of goodbye, but then focus on the joy of having such amazing people in my life. It's working... relatively well.
Still, I'm scared though. Maybe not scared, just nervous anticipation. Knowing what I'm leaving behind and constantly second-guessing myself. I know that there is no "right thing to do," but sometimes I wonder if I'm just running away from my life here. Am I just bored with where am at, and this is my misguided attempt to bring some excitement into my life? Or am I just running away to this tropical place because somewhere in my mind I equate that with "paradise" and easy-living? Running away from work and obligations because at heart I'm a 10 year-old who doesn't want to do her chores? Honestly I think maybe there's a part of all of those in the mix, however small. Maybe, maybe not. But I think it's good to ask myself these questions and explore my reasons for doing this. Of course it's going to be a complex, multi-faceted answer that I'll never really understand totally, and the last thing I want to do is to fall into an obsession about it, but I do think it's important to examine my reasons honestly.
Speaking of obligations, I'm about to head out for my very last day of work at Ladro! (And, ahem, as for "very last day..." only time will really tell. One of the nice things about going off on this crazy stunt is that I know that as long as Ladro is in business, the chances are high that I can always come back to Seattle and have at least a little bit of employment. Ladro, thank you for being my safety net!)
Monday, June 13, 2011
Well I've officially entered crunch time. Today was the first day that I really had to face the fact that ALL I can take with me has to fit in my two suitcases. So I did
Packing culling - Round 1!
And it went well. However I fear that there are still many rounds to go.
The good news; I found some great people to sublet my apartment. But, if I'm honest, I didn't really want to sublet to a couple because... well... my bed and all... but overall it's a small price to pay for good folks to pay my rent while I'm gone.
I made a bold decision NOT to give my money to Washington State University for an organic farming certificate. I get the impression that most organic farms don't give a hoot if you have a "certificate" or not, all they care about is if you're ready to work. So instead of several thousand dollars to WSU, I gave about $150 to Amazon and bought a bunch of organic farming books. Now I just need the dedication to do the learning I need on my own.
I cancelled my organic produce delivery today. I was getting it every other week and last Thursday was the last shipment before I go. If any of you in Washington, Oregon or Alaska are looking for a good company, I have nothing but great things to say about Full Circle Organics, they consistently delivered great stuff. I'll miss it when I'm gone for sure.
It still doesn't seem totally real. I keep reminding myself to stop and appreciate the lovely temperate weather of Seattle. It's just now starting to get really beautiful here, and it's just when I'm leaving! But still, even in the previous weeks I've been trying to appreciate the cool days and nights, the sweet, crisp air, needing to wear clothing that covers my shoulders and below my knees. Drinking the fantastic NW beers, having a bevy of milk and milk alternatives from which to choose... Pac NW I will miss you!
Packing culling - Round 1!
And it went well. However I fear that there are still many rounds to go.
The good news; I found some great people to sublet my apartment. But, if I'm honest, I didn't really want to sublet to a couple because... well... my bed and all... but overall it's a small price to pay for good folks to pay my rent while I'm gone.
I made a bold decision NOT to give my money to Washington State University for an organic farming certificate. I get the impression that most organic farms don't give a hoot if you have a "certificate" or not, all they care about is if you're ready to work. So instead of several thousand dollars to WSU, I gave about $150 to Amazon and bought a bunch of organic farming books. Now I just need the dedication to do the learning I need on my own.
I cancelled my organic produce delivery today. I was getting it every other week and last Thursday was the last shipment before I go. If any of you in Washington, Oregon or Alaska are looking for a good company, I have nothing but great things to say about Full Circle Organics, they consistently delivered great stuff. I'll miss it when I'm gone for sure.
It still doesn't seem totally real. I keep reminding myself to stop and appreciate the lovely temperate weather of Seattle. It's just now starting to get really beautiful here, and it's just when I'm leaving! But still, even in the previous weeks I've been trying to appreciate the cool days and nights, the sweet, crisp air, needing to wear clothing that covers my shoulders and below my knees. Drinking the fantastic NW beers, having a bevy of milk and milk alternatives from which to choose... Pac NW I will miss you!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Two Weeks til Go Time
Well it seems I'm off again. Can't seem to sit still for more than a few months. The wanderlust parasite that lives in my lymph nodes has come alive once more and I'll be heading off in two weeks back to Santo Domingo. This is something of a new deal for me, as I honestly don't know how long I'll be staying this time around. Last year I stayed in Santo Domingo with my sister and her family for 2 1/2 months. This time around it could be upwards of a year, maybe even longer, maybe much shorter. This one is all about listening to my gut. Not the part that craves pizza 24/7, but the instinctual part.
I really like Seattle, it's a great place to live and I'm really grateful that I've been able to live here for the past 5 years, but I'm feeling like a change is in order. I've loved working at Ladro, but my patience with customers is waning, which is a sure sign I aught to get out before I'm thrown out. The general plan is to go down to the DR and hang with my family while pursuing an on-line organic farming certificate from Washington State University. Yes, I could do the program in Seattle, but I have the opportunity to do it in the DR. My life seems to be fueled by constant activity and change, so I figured why not give this a try. It seems like it could be a good fit for me. And if it blows up in my face, I know I have a home in Seattle and I'll always be welcomed back here.
So here goes another adventure, let's see what this one will bring...
I really like Seattle, it's a great place to live and I'm really grateful that I've been able to live here for the past 5 years, but I'm feeling like a change is in order. I've loved working at Ladro, but my patience with customers is waning, which is a sure sign I aught to get out before I'm thrown out. The general plan is to go down to the DR and hang with my family while pursuing an on-line organic farming certificate from Washington State University. Yes, I could do the program in Seattle, but I have the opportunity to do it in the DR. My life seems to be fueled by constant activity and change, so I figured why not give this a try. It seems like it could be a good fit for me. And if it blows up in my face, I know I have a home in Seattle and I'll always be welcomed back here.
So here goes another adventure, let's see what this one will bring...
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