Cold Feet

Holy crap. What am I getting myself into?

Yes, that's right, panic has officially set in. I know perfectly well that this journey I'm about to take is a great opportunity for me. It's going to be fun and exciting, but it's also going to be boring and difficult and a challenge. I know that it will force me to change and adapt and learn new things about myself. I know that it will allow me a great chance to break out of daily routine and experience life on a whole new level.

But I keep thinking about what I'm leaving behind. There's so much here for me in Seattle, and I'm going to miss it, big time. Every few minutes today I've had to stop and take a breath and remember that impermanence is the rule of life. Nothing lasts forever, and it's time to walk forward into a big change. I've been trying to train my mind into not feeling sadness that I am leaving Seattle, but rather feel grateful and honored to have had such blessings in my life. And when I think of my friends, take a moment to feel the twinge of goodbye, but then focus on the joy of having such amazing people in my life. It's working... relatively well.

Still, I'm scared though. Maybe not scared, just nervous anticipation. Knowing what I'm leaving behind and constantly second-guessing myself. I know that there is no "right thing to do," but sometimes I wonder if I'm just running away from my life here. Am I just bored with where am at, and this is my misguided attempt to bring some excitement into my life? Or am I just running away to this tropical place because somewhere in my mind I equate that with "paradise" and easy-living? Running away from work and obligations because at heart I'm a 10 year-old who doesn't want to do her chores? Honestly I think maybe there's a part of all of those in the mix, however small. Maybe, maybe not. But I think it's good to ask myself these questions and explore my reasons for doing this. Of course it's going to be a complex, multi-faceted answer that I'll never really understand totally, and the last thing I want to do is to fall into an obsession about it, but I do think it's important to examine my reasons honestly.

Speaking of obligations, I'm about to head out for my very last day of work at Ladro! (And, ahem, as for "very last day..." only time will really tell. One of the nice things about going off on this crazy stunt is that I know that as long as Ladro is in business, the chances are high that I can always come back to Seattle and have at least a little bit of employment. Ladro, thank you for being my safety net!)