My sister is great. She's amazing, I love her so much and I'm so proud of her I could puke. She's accomplished so much in her life. I'm in awe and envious of her a lot of the time. The flip side is that she's stubborn and fairly single-minded. Her way is the best, or if not her way, then something very similar. On the straight and narrow. Bare bones. 1+1=2.
I am not that way.
I will never be that way, but by god, she's gonna try, isn't she?
I'm sure most families are like this; it's kind of the family stereotype, really. I think for the most part my family tends towards the fairly ok side. I LOVE each and every one of my family members and I may have my own opinions of their lifestyle choices, but I also feel that they are their own unique selves and get to make their own decisions. I might say something if I really feel a particular way, but for the most part, I keep my mouth shut, and I don't question then because I know that everyone sees things just a little bit (or sometimes a lot) differently from everyone else.
My sister thinks I'm passive-aggressive. Yes. She's probably right. When I moved to the west coast, especially Seattle, I heard so much about how p-a Seattle is. And I kept thinking to myself, "passive-aggressive? Really?" Because it seems to me that what is know as "passive-aggressive" behavior is really just being polite. Ok, well let me differentiate. Always being passive-aggressive and "pretending" to be nice while secretly bubbling in a mire of loathing is not so good. I'm talking more about not getting in someone's face if they say or do something you don't like. I talking about respecting that other people have different ideas and opinions and not confronting them just because yours may differ. I'm talking about actually trying to talk out a problem rather than yelling it out. It's not pretending that an issue isn't there or not talking about it, it's talking about it without screaming and hostility. From where I stand, I want nothing to do with aggressive, hostile behavior. I despise it. If someone comes at me with a hostile attitude, I shut down. My pulse quickens, my stomach grips, and it's like a flat-line in my brain. I am incapable of engaging in an argument. Now, y'all can psycho-analyze this into the ground, nature/nurture, blah blah blah. It's the way I am. I LIKE being this way. I do not want to cause conflict, I do not seek out conflict, if there is conflict in my circle, I do my best to resolve it. I understand the sometimes conflict is a good thing, and sometimes it's been thrust upon me and has been very beneficial. But there are some people who eat, drink and breathe conflict, and due to their very nature - think everyone else should be like that too. They assume that you are a weaker, lesser being if you don't argue about everything, and often it seems like they think that by being upfront and aggressive they are somehow more in touch with their feelings than polite people.
There are people I know who argue a lot. For them it IS therapeutic, it's how they communicate, it's their nature. I understand that they methods are different from mine, and as a result, I don't tend to be close friends with those kinds of people. But then there's family... ah yes, the stereotype... you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. What happens when family members have differing communication styles? Well, I think we've all seen what happens, almost every family I know has turmoil, and I think it's due in most part to lack of similar communication. It's just the way it is, and I think the only thing that you can do about it is try your best to see things from another perspective. There have been times here when I've gotten FURIOUS with something my sister said, because in my mind it was a huge insult. But I've held my tongue and when I got the chance to simmer down and re-examine things from how I know she operates, I've realized that what I took to be an insult was just her being direct with me. I'm not saying that my sister never does this in my case, but I do wish she'd be a little more understanding when we talk about touchy subjects and not insist that her way of communicating is best. And yet, I know that is part of her nature too, and I have two basic options -
1) Get really fed up and leave.
or
2) Suck it up and do my best to maintain a great relationship with my only sister who is letting me stay in her beautiful house for free and not to mention feeding me and allowing me an amazing opportunity to live in another country.
So, what have I learned from this? I like the way I am. I like my communication style. Sure there are things I can work on, and I appreciate being made aware of those things, but ultimately it's my decision. So often we are so unaware of what makes us tick in the first place, trying to have a conversation with another person about touchy stuff can be one of the hardest things in the world. Especially when you know that person doesn't think in the same ways you do.
No comments:
Post a Comment